


UT CRACK(alackin')

by writeswithfeatherquills



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: I'm trying my hand at funny stuff, ooooh boy, that's all this is, this is literal crack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-01
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-06-05 16:33:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6712642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writeswithfeatherquills/pseuds/writeswithfeatherquills
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sans' eyes went dark.<br/>"...that's a lotta dust on your hands, kid."<br/>"WELL NO SHIT SHERLOCK I HAD A FUCKING POWDERED DONUT LET ME LIVE MY LIFE!" the child shouted aggressively.<br/>"welp, can't argue with that."<br/>Sans shrugged, and fell asleep where he was standing. You moved on.</p><p>In which I try to write crack and may or may not succeed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	UT CRACK(alackin')

You sat up groggily, as people often do when disoriented.

Damn, you had just fallen down a big hole, didn't you? You should be dead! You looked up, and saw the entrance to the aforementioned big hole , thousands of feet up. Yep. You should definitely be dead. You looked down and saw that you were sitting in and field of flowers. Had they broken your fall? ONE FIELD OF FLIMSY-ASS FLOWERS SHOULD NOT HAVE SAVED YOU FROM A FALL LIKE THAT. WHAT THE HELL.

Maybe this game didn't do fall damage? You settles on that answer and got up...oh, wait, you were already up. Your lying down and standing up positions looked exactly the same in 8-bit. You walked through to the next room.

* * *

 

Five states over, a large goat monster screamed as she furiously tried to whip pie batter into the shape of a broadsword before she had to leave to slam dunk a punk-ass flower.

* * *

 

You happened upon a flower.

“Hi! I'm flowey! Flowey the flower!”

You didn't reply, and the thing started to talk again but you interrupted it.

“that's the lamest name ever.” you said, and the thing seemed taken aback. 

“uh, what?”

“flowey the flower? What is this, kindergarten?” the flower frowned.

“well...you're a kid…” 

“so?? Does that mean you can treat me like one??” the sassy child sassed, sassily.

“umm…W-well, I guess someone should show you how things work around here, huh?” the flower said, it's voice sounding like Happy Tree Friends had a baby with a broken fax machine. And you had never even heard a fax machine before. Suddenly, the world melted into blackness, and there was as a little red heart in a box in front of you.

_*smells like vegemite...._

“that's your SOUL, the culmination of your being!” the flower screeched. 

“how did you say that in caps lock?!” you ask. The flower ignores you. It says something about love, and happiness, and sharing, and friendliness pellets, and it's all very kumbayah until the little fucker HITS YOU WITH GODDAMN BULLETS. You pull a O.o face and glare at him.

“Oi, what the fuck m8?!” you scream, and the flowers face turns into something out out of a horror movie.

“you IDIOT.” it screeches, sounding less fax machine and more Happy Tree Friends.

“BUTTFACE” you scream back; years of slam wars had honed your skills until responding to insults was instinctual. The flower scowled.

“imbicile.”

“TOOTY BUTT”

“MORON!”

“BOOGERFACE!”

“YOU FEEBLE-MINDED, PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A BIPEDAL APE!” 

the flower looked rather smug at this one, so you had to bring out the big guns.

“well...you’re...just a….BASIC BITCH!!” Airhorns sounded from the ceiling and Flowey screamed. Sans poked his head through the ceiling and played “Just got dunked on” on his trombone. The writer told Sans to leave because he was, like, an entire chapter early.

Suddenly, an almighty meteor shower rained down upon the unholy weed and banished it to the bowels of hell where it belonged.

“GET REKT!” shouted the goat monster, flinging her aviator shades into the ground after the flower.

“Hello child! I am Toriel, short for Tu-Toriel, haha I love puns just like this smol skeleton man i know and what a terrible flower that was amirite you want some pie?!?!!1??!”  

You shrug because you are weaker than Dean Winchester when it comes to pie, and she leads you through some mazes that a baby could solve. Then you get to a bridge MADE OF SPIKES and she looks hesitant.

“perhaps this one is too much for now.” she says, and then proceeds to wrap you in approximately four hundred and thirty seven layers of bubble wrap. When you resemble more of a hamster ball than a human, she lays you on your side and rolls you across the bridge, the spikes disappearing beneath you.

As you continue through the ruins, Toriel tells you to not try and fight any monsters, but instead talk to them until she can come and handle the situation. You face a training dummy, and try to think of something to say.

“Sooo….you come here often?” you wink saucily, and Toreil knocks it over and congratulates you on your first successful battle. You drop a used napkin with your phone number on it on the dummy’s face.

Toriel brings you to a hallway where she tells you she has to leave, and you pull a white handkerchief from your pocket, pressing it into her paw.

“Then, will you promise to remember me?” You ask, tears in your eyes. Rose petals rain from the ceiling, and you can faintly hear the strains of a tearful violin concerto. “After everything we’ve been through, would you do that for me?” you beg, and she promises, looking slightly concerned for your mental health (who wasn’t, these days) She walks off, but the room was literally a straight hallway so you could easily see her get to the end of the hallway and hide behind a pillar. Wow. If you guys ever played Hide-And-Seek, you would totally win. The thought fills you with DETERMINATION, and you frown. 

“Again with the caps lock!”

you start down the hallway, and as you walk, the floor seems to fade beneath you. The walls collapse, the air thickens, the blackness recedes and advances, your senses are muddled, the world is collapsing, is anything real? The Void is extending, there is nothing left, darker, yet darker, something is wrong, forgotten, your atoms are splitting and reforming and somewhere a small dog steals uncooked spaghetti as space and time warp together into some unholy fusion of….

You get to the end of the room and knock the pillar over.

“Found you!” you scream in victory, bending over backwards and chanting at the heavens, your foe defeated.

You don’t see the temporary tattoo of the strange symbols that had been applied gently with a warm washcloth to your arm. If you had, you probably wouldn't have been able to decipher it anyways. But because I am the writer and I say so, I can tell you in good confidence that it said “WTF IS THIS BULLSHIT” in wingdings.

* * *

 

When you arrive at her house, all you can do is gape.

It’s made of candy. Toriel laughs at your reaction, then tears off a Pie from the wall and eats it in one gigantic bite.

“Haha my husband never liked candy he just drank forty thousand gallons of tea every day but now I live by meself all by myself haha I’m not lonely at all and now I have a house made of candy CUZ I DO WHAT I WANT!” Toriel shouts, and you high-five her, getting gently thrown across the room by the force. she picks you up, and carries you into the house, where she plops you down on your feet and shows you to your room. You spend a few minutes walking around the room and slamming into walls, examining the contents of the room. You see an assortment of shoes in a box, and trade your ratty tennis shoes for a pair of funkalicious heelys.

_*you feel your sins heelying on your back*_

After goat mom feeds you pie, you ask her how to leave for plot reasons.

“YOU AINT GOIN NO WHERE.” she screams, and you two have a vicious dance off. 

“HA! YOU CANT BEAT ME WHEN I HAVE MY MIXTAPE! IT'S LITERALLY FIRE! GO DOWN LOAD IT!” she screeches, but you moonwalk through a wall and she finally has to admit defeat.

“you would only be unhappy here. Please, when you leave, don't come back. I hope you understand.”

You dont, because she was speaking in Portugese.

As you exit, you become slightly confused by the gradually lightening shades of purple. And then you reach a door, and walk through. In the next room, flowey is sitting alone, singing to Beyoncé. You join in and you both dance to single ladies. Then flowey insults you some more, taunts you, and then mentions that he’s the prince of this world’s future.

“wow, that's totally not foreshadowing anything.” you say, rolling your eyes. Which is weird, since your eyes are oddly horizontal. Flowey’s face inflates like a creepy clown balloon as he laughs, and you walk up to him and draw a mustache on his face with sharpie. 

“ADIOS, IDIOTA!” he shouts in the accent appropriate for his new facial hair, and sinks into the ground. You stand there, looking forlornly at the sharpie. You uncap it gently, and stare at it for a moment before sighing, recapping it, and putting it in your pocket.

“a true mustache comes from within.” you admonish yourself, and then keep moving forwards.

As you continue through yet ANOTHER door, the world goes black. And then there is an earth - shattering boom and the word UNDERTALE appears. You frown, trying to figure a way around the titlescreen, but there's not enough space between the letters to fit through. Eventually, it fades, and you get spit out into a snowy forest.

 

**Author's Note:**

> There may or may not be another chapter. Idk.
> 
> Was this any good?
> 
> *insert that weird shrugging emoticon that I can't do on my ancient phone*


End file.
